Oscar’s gone. And what a grumpy so-and-so he was, leaving you with a list of reasons the Nintendo Switch is rubbish. How’s that for leaving on a high? I dunno, kids nowadays.

I mean sure, I agree with him, because I’m a miserable hack with hardly any joy left in the part of my brain that contains all the joy. And I don’t know how the brain works. Clearly.

Anyway I thought I’d start my time at AppSpy by bashing out something positive. So here are 4 reasons the Switch might not be rubbish. I’m definitely going to try and stay positive throughout. Definitely. Nnnnnnnnng. Here goes.

It’s nice to have two things

Let’s be honest, you can never have enough things. The more things you’ve got, the happier you are. That’s an important pillar of capitalism - buy more stuff, buy it now, keep buying stuff forever.

So having two things in your pocket rather than just one will show other people that you’re the sort of successful cool person that Nintendo might use in their adverts. You’re popular and awesome and look at all of the cool things you’ve got.

That noise

Did you hear that noise in the trailer? It’s like all clicky and clacky. It sounds like some sort of old-fashioned thing. All solid and plastic and clunk clonk. It’s like some sort of seat belt but for an electronic entertainment

Like, everyone is going to look at you when you make that noise. And what’s the point of having a cool new thing if people aren’t paying attention to you. They may as well call it the Nintendo LOOKATME. That’s a good name actually.

Those people

Did you see how happy and content the people in that trailer were? Did you see how much better off they were than you and your miserable lonely existence? They have so many friends, and all of their friends play Switch.

I’m pretty sure that buying a Switch will make you suddenly have nice hair and teeth and be conventionally attractive and physically capable. Otherwise that advert is a lie and I hate being lied to.

Mario and Zelda

Let’s be honest, we’re all sick and tired of not being able to play Mario and Zelda while we’re out and about. There’s literally no other way to do it, not that I can think of anyway, and I’ve given it at least a nano-second of brain time.

And then you could go home and play them. Or use those tiny controllers to play them, or… OH GOD FINE IT’S A RUBBISH IDEA. It’s all stupid and I hate it. Switch stinks, mobile forever. Mic drop.