New Star Cricket is the sort of sequel to New Star Soccer. As you might be able to tell from the name, it’s about cricket rather than soccer. I mean it hardly takes a genius to work that out, does it?

It also doesn’t take a genius to figure out an article to write from that progression - other sports we’d like to see getting the New Star treatment. And that’s exactly what I’ve done, right here, right now.

Without further ado, here is said list. Actually I’ll put a bit more ado in here, because otherwise this paragraph will be too short and it’ll make the whole article a little less aesthetically pleasing.

Golf

Hire a caddy, figure out the best club to use for which hole, make sure that you’ve always got the best looking trouser and cap combination out on the fairway.

I mean if you want to take things a little more grown-up and marriage destroying you could find the hottest models to bump uglies with. Am I allowed to say that? I don’t know, I have.

American Football

This would basically be the same as New Star Soccer except all of the s’s will be replaced with z’s. And people would say aluminium funny.

Water Polo

I literally have no idea what this would be like. What even is water polo? How do they get the horses in the pool? I mean I could google it and find out. Hang on, give me a minute.

Oh, I get it. Okay so it’ll be all about getting the right swimming cap, making sure you have no body hair, and goggles. Gotta get the best goggles.

Curling

I have a soft spot for curling. There’s unlikely to be any debauchery like you’d find in the other sports on this list, but there are brooms.

Also one of my favourite bands has a song about curling. If you can find it, and post it in the comments, I’ll buy you a drink the next time I see you.

Tennis

There are lots of potential jokes to be made here about racquets. And you could have a grunt trainer. Plus the shots you have to make would work pretty well too.

And there could be a YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS challenge if you don’t agree with an umpire’s decision. I don’t really know much about tennis. It’s basically a stretched out table tennis though. I expect that’s where they got the name from.

Kabaddi

If you don’t know what kabaddi is just Google it and then make up your own entry. If you do know what it is, hahahahaha, that’d be really funny.