Nicki Minaj is the latest in a lengthening line of celebrities to get their own iOS game. I’m going to lay this out there right now, I don’t know who Nicki Minaj is or why she’s famous and I honestly have neither the time nor the inclination to go and find out.

But I do know some other celebrities. Like maybe five of them I guess? If only there was something I could do with that information in order to create content out of the fact that Miss Minaj is getting a game.

Oh wait yeah fine it’s a list. A vaguely satirical list that I’ve written while half asleep. But there we go, that’s life. Here are five celebrities that should also have their own iOS games. Or maybe they shouldn’t. Yeah they definitely shouldn’t.

Boris Johnson

Good old bumbling Bo Jo. Friend to the people. He’s got silly hair. He definitely didn’t orchestrate a referendum in order to make a move on 10 Downing Street and then run away scared when it almost worked.

I guess this one could be a word game where Boris says really long sentences comprised mainly of gibberish and you need to try and work out what on earth he’s talking about. It’ll be free to play, obviously.

David Hasslehoff

The Hoff is still dead famous yeah? I mean he’s not a washed up has-been with a face that looks like any sort of emotion crossing it would literally rip it free from his skull, so taut and dead the flesh.

This one would be a platformer set in all of David’s famous things that he’s done. Knight Rider, Baywatch, that Nick Fury movie (Google it. It happened), that time he singled handedly smashed the Berlin wall and brought about the fall of Communism. Free to play, obvz.

Kris Akabusi

If you don’t know who Kris Akabusi is then I feel genuinely sorry for you. I think he was an athlete to start off with, and now he just sort of turns up on British television, shouts for a bit, and then wanders off. No one asks him to, it’s just what he does.

This could be a button mashing athletics game, followed by a selection of levels where you just have to shout at your phone until it pays attention to you. Free to play. IAPs would include ear plugs.

Cher

Cher’s still famous, right? I mean she’s been famous for literally the entirety of time. When the last being writes a history of the universe, it’ll be Cher writing an autobiography. And she did that song where it sounded like she was gargling.

You’d play this one by just posting stuff on imaginary Twitter to see if you can remain relevant for as long as Cher. You probably won’t be able to though because there’s a good chance that Cher will outlive the concept of time. Free to play.

Sonic The Hedgehog

Do you remember when Sonic used to be in games? Like real actual proper games and not whatever shovelware Sega decides to chuck out when no one’s looking? Wouldn’t it be great to have that back.

This would be a Sonic game. Starring Sonic. And none of his infuriating friends. And he wouldn’t kiss anyone. It’d just be a really good platformer and it’d make me happy and oh god that’s all I want really, to be happy and friends with Sonic. Not free to play.