You know what, I'm not even going to try and beat around the bush with this one, because let's be honest, that's not what you expect from me. It's time to have the show down to end all show downs, it's time to decide which is the best piece of new kit that came out recently that's got an X in its name.

On the one side you've got the iPhone X, the tenth anniversary edition of Apple's world destroying mobile phone. On the other side you've got the Xbox One X, which as far as I can tell is a large, expensive doorstop.

Sure, the new Microsoft console might have more X's in its name, but does that really matter? Well that's what we're going to find out, in a little piece of content I like to call “please don't take this seriously and send me death threats, I am very fragile.”

Round one - Is it a phone?

If you're thinking about buying a new phone, then one of the most important questions to ask yourself is this - is it actually a phone? I've scoured the internet looking for the phone-qualities of the Xbox One X, and you know what, I'm pretty sure it doesn't have any.

It's not portable either, and I'm pretty sure you can't send snapchats from it, whatever in the hell they are. The iPhone X on the other hand is definitely a phone. I mean, it has the word phone in its name. The Xbox on the other hand, has the word box in its name. You do the math.

Winner: iPhone X

Round two - Will people know if you have one?

Both of these new pieces of technology are iterations. They're building on things that have come before. The iPhone X, for example, is essentially a souped up Nokia 3310. The Xbox One X is like a shinier Colecovision.

But how are people going to know you've got an Xbox One X? I mean you're not going to be whipping it out in public to call your mum and let her know that you're not dead, are you? You could get a tattoo I guess, but that seems a bit OTT. You iPhone on the other hand is going to be getting whipped out all the time. “Oooooh let's do a selfie,” “oooooh I can use Apple Pay,” “ooooh mister mugger here's my £1000 handheld computer, please don't stab me.”

Winner: iPhone X

Round three - The screen

This might sound shocking, but the Xbox One X doesn't even have a screen. Imagine that, in this day and age. Even fridges have screens nowadays. I'm pretty sure you can buy a screen with it's own little screen too. And yet the Xbox is severely lacking in this department.

The iPhone X on the other hand is essentially all screen. I mean, literally. Apple has got rid of most of the buttons. Because, as we all know, buttons are for complete losers. And before you ask, I'm using dictation software to create this content. Button free since 2003.

Winner: iPhone X

Round four - Playing games

You could certainly make the argument that the Xbox One X should win this round. But I'm going to make the opposite argument. I think playing games on the iPhone X is actually much, much, much better than having to play them on a cumbersome and unwieldy home console.

Oh sure, the Xbox One X might have the bigger names, but you can't play a single one of them while you're on the toilet at work. And you can't play any of them on a bus. You can't even play them when you're in that secret place where you go to cry. I'm sorry, but if you're a real gamer, you want to play games literally everywhere you are. And you can't do that with a silly Xbox.

Winner: iPhone X

Round five - Battery life

Oh, I know a lot of people complain about the battery life of their iPhone, but look at it from another angle. You have to have the Xbox One X plugged in to use it. Pull out that power cord and guess what? No more gaming for you.

Yeah you might be bouncing around from socket to socket all day making sure your iPhone X doesn't die on you, but for those three hours or so when you're untethered, you're going to experience true freedom. And that's not something to sniff at.

Winner: iPhone X

The verdict

So there you have it. After a rigorous scientific test I have proven that the iPhone X is far better than the Xbox One X. It doesn't matter how many X's you have in your name, it matters what you do with them. And as you can see, the iPhone X does an awful lot more.

You might think these categories are arbitrary, and that the reasons I used to back the winner each time are complete and utter nonsense. And you know what? You'd be completely right. But this is AppSpy, not XboxOneXSpy. What on earth did you really expect?

Winner: iPhone X